Me and the Lawn Mower

Okay you all ready know it's gonna be funny! So I am sitting here on Friday thinking I should get out of the house and go mow the lawn, well the weeds, we really don't have a lawn. So here is the story.

I just used the weed whacker a few days ago and I go out side and try to pull start the thing. I must have pulled it 10 times, nothing, it won't start and I am all ready out of breath from trying it. So I think to myself, because no one is here, I am going to get out the ride on lawn mower, that's a great idea, I can ride around on the lawn mower and drink a beer. Perfect, so I make my way up the the barn. I have to get the barn door open which is like 100 feet tall. Everything is a 100 feet tall when your 5 foot 2. The damn door must weigh 800 pounds. You have to push this door up with all your strength and hope that it stays up. So here I am, remember I am all ready exhausted from the attempt to pull start the weed whacker. And for your information I have yet to have a beer. So I push this door up 6 times, every time the damn thing keeps falling back down. hey I got it I will tie it off with this little tiny rope and find something to stick under it and hold it up. The sweat is now pouring down my face and I am getting seriously pissed off. Tie it to what? Shit that wont work so down goes the door again while I attempt to find something, anything to hold the door open with. What the hell do i have to go through just to simply mow down some damn weeds. So i find a shelving bracket and I mean a LARGE bracket this thing is easily 10 feet long or 12 feet, remember I am 5 foot 2 on a very good day. With metal bracket, weight of 50 pounds, in hand I go back to the barn roll up door. I have 50 pounds of metal in one hand and 1 hand to shove the 800 pound door up with. So I get under the door and shove with 1 hand it goes up like 1 foot. There is no way in hell I can get this damn piece of metal under it so down goes the door. by now I have freaking out and talking to myself. "all i want to do is mow the damn weeds". So I go and find a broom, at least it is shorter then I am so I can make that work. I get the door propped open. I find the key to the ride on mower and look at the gas, oh well it could use some gas. So I search all over the place and finally find the gas can. I proceed to put gas in the thing to only find out that my hubby didn't screw the top on all the way. Of course now I have spilled gas all over the floor. "F!@%k this stupid POS lawn mower crap" is now spilling out of my mouth. Now I am worried the damn thing is going to start a fire if I try to start it inside the barn. So I decide that it is far safer and better for me to push this thing out of the barn and start it outside. Remember I am sweating my ass off and cursing like a sailor by now and talking to myself. I push and push the damn thing won't move, it must be in gear right? No it was in neutral!! "Damn it what does it take to mow the weeds" I am again talking to myself. Finally get the stupid thing out the door. Put the key in and try and start it! Oh hell no, the thing has a dead battery. Now I am seriously pissed off, like I wasn't before? LOL! Where the hell is the stupid battery charger thing I need. I find it, great now I need a damn extension cord to power it. Oh no not 1 cord I need freaking 3 damn cords to reach. Okay got it plugged in now I hook it up to the battery and look at this POS (piece of shit for those of you who don't know that) what the hell is Super Charge, Off and Charge. Well I figure out off, obviously, but remember I am on a mission and want to mow the weeds so "Super Charge" is what I pick. Call the hubby and tell him he says "NO NO not the Super Charge"! Okay it's on charge. Let it sit for a hour or two. By now I am so pissed off that I say "DAMN IT SOMETHING IS GETTING MOWED IF IT KILLS ME". I drag the gas can down to the push lawn mower and fill it up, proceeding to spill gas all over the place because now I have lost my damn glasses. Whatever something is getting mowed! 2 pulls it starts! Thank god I can mow! Ah my glasses, so off I go with the damn walk behind mower. I can tell you this much "I HATE MOWING THE WEEDS"!

Finally my son gets home and by now I am fully winded and exhausted! I have walked and walked and walked pushing this damn mower through the weeds that are up to my thighs and it keeps stalling because the weeds are so damn thick. I ask my son what the hell is wrong with the stupid ride on lawn mower? he says something totally stupid like "Mom why don't we just jump start it with the car"! DAMN IT why didn't I think of that. Of course the little shit gets it started right away. So off on the lawn mower he goes. Mows about 2 feet and is done. So i am gonna ride it now, screw that I need to get some weeds mowed. Still have not had my beer at this point! So off I go and ride all over the place in weeds taller then me. I make paths all over and think i am doing a fantastic job! It's starting to get dark outside and I need to go to the grocery store AGAIN! I come in the house and think I better change my clothes I got a bit dirty mowing the weeds. I walk toward my sons room and tell him let's go get some food at the store. "Mom what the hell is all over your face"? I look at him like he is from another planet. "What the hell are you talking about"? Kids what the hell do they know anyways. So off to the bathroom I go to take a look. My face is completely brown from dirt and the only clean spot is where my glasses where on my face! I should have gone to the store like that! So then I tell my good friend Laura last night the story about my face and she just starts busting up and says could you imagine if you did go to the store like that. someone would say excuse me you have something on your face! Where, I would say? Everywhere but where your glasses were! LOL So the moral to this little story I have figured out --- Have your damn beer first and that way you wont give a shit! And leave the mowing to the hubby! By the way I kinda ran 2 days together here!

Stupid lawn mowers!

P.S. Still working on the recipes for LASFALS! Gonna figure out how to make cheap good booze!